EMPATHY

What is empathy? Is it something we are born with? Why do some people seem to be more empathic than others?

Empathy is uniquely human. It's a skill we must learn. It means, according to the American Heritage Dictionary, identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives.

Every person's every action is coming from the desire to know or be known. Empathy assures them that you do know.

It's different from sympathy, that's when you cry if they cry! It's different from compassion, that's when you are moved to action, to help.

A mother's empathy may look something like this: The 5 year old at the grocery store passionately, tearfully pleads for the Easter candy. Mom gets eye to eye and says, "Honey, they look so yummy! You really want that pink bag full of chocolates, don't you?" That might be the beginning. Who knows where the conversation will turn from there. But the child sees and hears that mom did indeed hear her and understands why she's upset. Empathy does not mean you'll buy the chocolates!

In this case all mom did was , with eye to eye contact, simply describe what she saw and heard. If she was wrong the child would have hollered out the correction, "My foot is stuck in the shopping cart!" or what ever, until you get to the bottom of the source of wimpering and crying. But if she was right, then the child would either go on to something else or try to convince you that she would indeed perish if she didn't get those chocolates. (She may truly believe that!) The eye to eye contact is important because it means all my attention is for you right now. That's convincing.


So how does one learn empathy? Thomas Lewis' book A General Theory of Love suggests that eye to eye contact is our primary way of learning empathy.

What does a mother do instinctively with a new born....gaze lovingly into their baby's blue eyes! Add some loving touch, mom's soothing voice, gentle rocking....all perfect ingredients for learning empathy. A baby who's bond with the primary caregiver contains these elements will actually have a bigger amydala. That's the emotional center of the brain. It's where the decision is made to either fall back into the primitive brain and react to a situation with the hormones of cortisol and adrenaline (fight, flight, freeze) OR it will decide to send you forward into the frontal lobes where you will deal with the situation with creativity!

Thomas Lewis said at a conference that I attended in Chicago the summer after the Columbine incident, that empathy was missing in children who could commit such an incredible act. His perscription for any teen was so simple that his message was often met with a cold response. He said it's not too late and you can deal with it without medical intervention. Required: minimum of 5 meals a week sitting at the table with all electronic devices disabled. Converse in this setting. You don't need to talk about "important things" like grades or peers, etc., but just talk and parents look your children in the eye.

It's harder to begin this with a teenager. Kindermusik families are doing it now while the brain has the most potential. Keep it up. You won't regret it.
Peace and love,
Yvette
ps Maybe I only know enough about how the brain works to get me in trouble. I welcome anyone who would set my details straight. But I will say it has served me very well with my children and in my teaching of many, many children!!!!