Giving and Taking: Every conflict is an opportunity for growth

Here's parenting tip #249814334:

How to model sharing and trading.

Scene: child #1 has the drum and child #2 has the shaker. Child #2 drops the shakers and grabs the drum away from child #1 (GASP!) Parents are reacting fast. Parent of child #2 grabs the drum and announces the rule : NO GRABBING!!!

Hey! That was me with my first two children. Claire was always looking to Ben (who was older by 2 years and 1 week) to see what big kids do and to find out what's interesting. Whatever Ben had was always interesting. She grabbed the drum, I grabbed the drum and screeched "No Grabbing!!!!".

It was Ben who said "Mom, How come you're grabbing?"
.......oh........ Hmmmm.....right.....I don't know. I'm trying to teach the no grabbing rule. I was actually reinforcing that, well, grabbing is OK...especially if you are bigger. And you probably should shout when you do it.

Here's what my new approach was when baby #3 comes six years later. Anne looked to the big kids and Claire got some of her own medicine. I got a chance to revise my message.

I noticed how connected the new baby grabber was to me. Even though the umbilical chord was cut it was as if we were really still connected...in so many ways. If I reacted to any situation it was as though she did.

When she grabbed, and before the shock to register on the other child, I had something with which to "trade" and using the best negotiating skills I could muster, I modeled a polite transaction. The younger the "victim" the smoother the action goes. And the younger the perpetrator, the more they believe that they actually did the right thing. And now the baby has the script for polite negotiations.

If the offer was refused I had to muster up some creativity to continue the negotiations. I'd say "Oh, Anne. Look at Claire's face. She's pretty angry. What do you think she might like as a trade?" or "Do you think you could give her back the drum and ask her to give it to you when she is all done?"

No set formula is perfect for every situation and this new way is very time consuming. But much more effective. Give it a try. And pray for patience.....Remember light travels faster than sound. Our actions are more powerful than anything we could possibly shout.

Peace,
Yvette