Kindness Counts
Notice — and encourage — your child's random acts of kindness.
By Becky Bailey Ph.D November , 2006

A young mother strokes her screaming infant's head as her family waits on what seems to be the slowest restaurant service in the world. A harried waitress approaches the table with a smile and stoops to pick up the napkin that 4-year-old Samuel has tossed to the floor for the umpteenth time. Samuel sits up tall, kisses his crying sister on the head, and announces, "Mommy wants her food! Now!"



Please read the rest! FIND KINDNESS HERE.

A parent's words carry a great deal of power. Becky Bailey's article is very exact in what
to say when you noticing a kind action and the words a parent chooses make a great impact on how the compliment is received. I'd love you to read her whole article so that you are better able to respond in kindess!

If you are interested in reading more like this then go get Alfie Kohn's book "Punish by Rewards".

Behavior Modification vs. Informational Feedback

I'm getting ready to do a couple of presentations to groups of parents about music and child development. Wow, it's a chance to actually say more than a sentence worth to adults! In class I know I have precious few seconds before the children say (by their action) "Back to work!". But I have so much to say! How will I whittle this down to a reasonable presentation?

Here's one topic I'd like to share in deeper detail with all my Kindermusik families: Informational feedback. That's a fancy label for describing to children what it is that they are doing. Tonight in my Kindermusik Our Time class (18 months to 3 1/2+ year olds) we experimented playing a drum both quiet and loudly. Wow, what intensity! It was beautiful.

The temptation to say: "Good Job!!" was high. What is more valuable to a child is to say "You played that loudly!" "You played loudly with both hands!" "That was loud!" "Oh, quiet!" "That was so quiet." "Your fingers played quietly."

So what's wrong with saying "Good Job!"? It is how we were programed to respond. It conveys our being pleased and maybe even conveys the reward of our love to our children for their having done the "right" thing. This praise is called behavior modification. That's what was hot when I was in college learning how to be a teacher. I was good at it.

Then, as a teacher, I noticed some children shying away from my praises. Or to my amazement their reaction was to sabotage their next attempt: to fail on purpose. It really puzzled me.

Still, I know the wise educators of the educators surely must know what they are talking about so I figured some children just didn't get it. Maybe they need MORE praise! Then one day I realized I was having similar feelings when a teacher friend of mine had been praising me and my children lavishly. Oh, my. I was afraid then that my toddler would pull her lamp over and my pedestal would be wrecked. (I was afraid my children would be normal!) How can we keep this up? Sometimes I denied her praise, maybe questioning her sincerity. I was very nervous around my good friend.

Then I happened upon an interesting book about praise and rewards, Punished by Rewards, by Alfie Kohn. This was very difficult for me to accept and would have been impossible had I not been showered with praises by my good friend! As I read it I thought of my students who would hide under the chairs when I said, "Good job!". And countless other students would crazily whack their glockenspiel wildly and loudly directly after receiving a well deserved dose of praise.

Kohn's remedy is to give informational feedback. It's really pretty easy since it is simply to describe what they're doing. Take for example your child shows you a beautiful picture. "Good Job!" just jumps out of your mouth....well then follow it up with "I see lots of yellow!" "Look at all the circles", "What are those?".

All this exchange does really convey your affirmation and love. You are taking time to converse with them. You are using lots of descriptive words increasing their vocabulary. You give them a chance to respond to what you've said, to elaborate or correct what you've said. All the doors are open.

Go ahead and do an experiment. Ask a friend to find moments to praise you with "Good Job!" and see for yourself how it feels. It's kinda vague. Is it sincere? (I sure have said "Good Job!" while my attention was really a hundred miles away.) Did you feel welcomed to converse about your accomplishment or did that seem to be the final statement?

Tonight's class worked so hard on quiet and loud. And as I said their intensity was amazing. You surely would have had to see and hear it for yourself to experience the intensity of their quiet drumming. The whole class was so involved, so intent on the task. Eyes wide, mouths open....Wasn't it amazing how they waited for their turns? And the parents were modeling the wonder of it all. I love watching parents caught in the moment of joyful parenting.

Now that's way more interesting than if I said "Good Job Parents!" AND I'm sincere.
Hugs to yours,
Yvette

Creativity is as important as literacy!

What does it mean to invest in our children's education? Will we, as parents of our country's most precious natural resource, dare to take a risk with investing in our children's education? A risk that may stand up in the face of "how things are done" in today's education scene? Please listen to Sir Ken Robinson in this little video about creativity. http://www.ted.com/tedtalks/tedtalksplayer.cfm?key=ken_robinson
He's entertaining and thought provoking. I'd like to hear more so I put his book Out Of Our Minds: Learning to Be Creative on hold at the library.

I loved his vignette about the dancer. When I watch toddlers dance I KNOW we were born to dance. And we were born to sing! What DOES happen to us????? Will we let the same thing happen to our children?

How do you nurture a child's creativity? I think a good way to start is to affirm their creativity every chance we get. I notice that when we do free dance like "All Around the Kitchen" in Kindermusik Our Time (18 months to 3 1/2) if the adult imitates and labels the children "moves" they are so happy! They notice that you noticed! They'll give you MORE fun moves to try! (practicing creativity!) Make a point to imitate your little one and watch their reaction.

Notice that I didn't suggest that you praise them. That's a slippery slope. Praise doesn't really give them feedback that they can use. They need information...Your imitation is a mirror for them to see their action, creativity, and your attention. Saying "Good Job!" sets them up to worry if they can possibly keep up the "good work". They may respond by quitting so that they are sure they have control over not getting your praise in the future. (Read: Punished By Rewards by Alfie Kohn.)

In parenting we touch the future. Invest wisely!
(And don't forget to re enroll! holland.kindermusik.net)
See you in class,
Yvette

"tips to Miss Sunny of Kindermusik at Musikandmotion"